Not long ago, I sat across from my boss during my annual performance review expecting the same “good” news I had gotten for the past 12 years, but this one felt different. This year I had put in even more than my usual effort chasing a promotion. I knew I was due for one, and I saw people around me quietly, slowly getting their bump. It was only a matter of time for me. With a smile she gave me the good news: I exceeded expectations. My reward, an extra 2% bonus–and no promotion.
I should be happy.
Stable job. Good salary. Strong review.
A younger version of me would celebrate. Everything was good on paper, but what was this new feeling of tightness and a slow sinking? I thought about all the long nights and weekends–putting in the extra hours to keep things moving. The worklist never got shorter.
I thought about times I apologized to friends and family because I had to work late. The restless nights. The constant stress I could never shake. Slowly, I let my hobbies, the gym, my diet, and my health all fall away so work could occupy a larger space. I was in therapy from work stress.
All of it–for a once-a-year attaboy and a 2% bump. It felt like a gut punch.
I did it all right.
Good grades. Good university. STEM degree. Stable job at a Fortune 500 company.
Time passed and the work got harder, the stakes higher, and my reputation grew. So did my salary. My parents were proud, I was doing well on most measures. I built the financial safety net I never had growing up, and I bought a house. On paper, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to.
But now, I wasn’t so sure about what I was chasing anymore.
I don’t yet know where this journey will take me, but I know I can’t keep doing the same thing forever. So this is my first step forward–trying to figure it out and sharing what that journey actually looks like.
Outside Expectations 